David Kirby: “Negative Reviews of Famous Italian Cultural Sites”
NEGATIVE REVIEWS OF FAMOUS ITALIAN CULTURAL SITES
Many reviewers begin by saying they don’t like long lines,
as opposed to those of us who do.
Yet once inside, these same reviewers are often
just as unhappy with the building’s contents: Travis D
says of the Uffizi, “Excellent if you are into sculpture
and paintings,” whereas Darya S says “99% of the Uffizi is religious art.
It’s all Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.” But just because
you’re in Florence, does that mean you have to go to the Uffizi?
Savannah M thinks so. “Can I be that awful person
who doesn’t give the world-famous Uffizi five stars?”
says Savannah M. “Okay, perhaps it is five stars if you’re
really into this sort of religious art,
but my feet were hurting.” Assailed by a self-doubt
seldom present in on-line reviews, Savannah M admits,
“Sadly, I may not be as cultured as I thought I was”
but “I think this is one of those places you kind of have to see”
because “skipping it will probably
mean you’ll be berated by all your cultured friends.”
But even if you gush about the sculpture and paintings
in the Uffizi to all your cultured friends, surely one of them
will tell you that when he was at the Uffizi, Cosimo di Medici
not only dropped by but invited him back
to the Palazzo Vecchio for a cappuccino, and they swapped
e-mail addies. Just five minutes from the Uffizi
is the church of Santa Croce, which Michael B finds
“a disappointment: cold and humorless.” Michael B has a point:
the tombs of Michelangelo and Galileo may amuse
some visitors, and that of Machiavelli has even tour guides
rolling on the floor, but there are many churches
in Italy funnier than Santa Croce. Wilsonia G says,
“It was hard to know what was what here as we didn’t get
a guide book, audio guide or guide. It would
have been very handy to have had one of these.”
And to think, all of these people had to wait in long
lines to get in. That’s it, isn’t it? You’re in that
long line because other people got into that church or that museum
before you did. Studies show
that air rage incidents are four times as likely
to occur if a plane has a first-class cabin and even
more likely if, instead of boarding in the middle
of the plane and taking a right, coach passengers have to walk
through first class in order to reach
their seats. Studies also show that even monkeys
feel the sting of envy: a monkey will hand you
pebbles in exchange for cucumber slices, but if you
give a second monkey a grape in view of the first monkey, the first
will be insulted and throw the cucumber back.
The ultimate museum critic is Benito Mussolini, though
he was also ultimate in other ways. During a three-hour visit
to the Uffizi with Hitler in 1938, the exasperated duce
was heard to mutter, “All these pictures!” No long lines for Hitler
and Mussolini, though. Bet they got
right in, huh? But look at how things turned out.
In the last days of the war, Mussolini fled Milan
for the Swiss border but was captured by partisans,
shot, and hanged upside down in a piazza, his body spat at
and pelted with vegetables. The phrase
“patience is a virtue” is said to have occurred first
in the Middle English allegory Piers Plowman
by William Langland, but I wouldn’t be surprised
if it had been coined by someone waiting in a long line to get into
the Uffizi, Santa Croce, or, to the south,
St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome, to which
Christopher A gives two stars because he was
scolded for talking too loudly in the Sistine Chapel,
almost certainly because he failed to realize that it was
still a chapel and not simply a room
with a pretty ceiling, just as Julie N gives St. Peter’s
a single star because a café next door charged her
17 euros for two cups of coffee. Studies show
that coffee’s good for you, Julie N. It protects against type 2
diabetes, Parkinson’s disease,
dementia, arrhythmia, stroke, and several types
of cancer. Drink up! O dissatisfaction, you are
found in every country. Borders mean nothing
to you. John C says of the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam,
“I’m not into art so I wasn’t expecting
to enjoy it and I didn’t,” and Raymond G says,
“Okay if you’re into Van Gogh.” You tell anyone that
your plane will land at Charles de Gaulle airport,
and that person is almost certain to say, “I hate Charles de Gaulle.”
But if your plane lands at Charles de Gaulle,
that means Paris is only minutes away.
Besides, what’s wrong with a long line?
It just means there’s something beautiful at the end.
David Kirby’s collection The House on Boulevard St.: New and Selected Poems was a finalist for the National Book Award in 2007. Kirby is the author of Little Richard: The Birth of Rock ‘n’ Roll, which the Times Literary Supplement of London called “a hymn of praise to the emancipatory power of nonsense.” Kirby’s honors include fellowships from the National Endowment for the Arts and the Guggenheim Foundation. His latest poetry collection is Get Up, Please.