Here are 10 important misconceptions about giving comfort to others
- They are “over it,” have “moved on,” or should be over it or should move on.
The truth: People never “get over” trauma and loss. They are on a whole new journey.
- You know how they feel.
The truth: Pain and loss are like fingerprints. No two are the same. People’s response to the same or a similar situation can be dramatically different.
- Giving them some space is a good thing.
The truth: Space grows isolation and loneliness. Unless they ask for it, don’t assume they want it.
- Giving them advice will help them.
The truth: Advice is the big no-no. Please don’t go there unless they ask you for it.
- Cheering them up is what they need.
The truth: Changing the mood will put up a wall between you. Being present with someone and validating what they are experiencing is most helpful.
- They are faking it or exaggerating their struggle for attention.
The truth: People fake being okay way more.
- If you bring up the struggle, it will upset them.
The truth: When people don’t bring up the struggle, people feel isolated and uncared for.
- There is a timeframe for healing, and they are abiding [by] that.
The truth: There. Is. No. Set. Timeframe. For. Healing. End. Of. Story.
- Saying the name of someone who passed will make them upset.
The truth: Those who have experienced deep loss don’t want that person to be forgotten. Say the name.
- They can replace a loss to help relieve their pain (i.e., have another baby, get another dog, etc.)
The truth: No “new” anything will take the place of a loss. This can be seen as very dismissive and hurtful.
From Showing Up by Jen Marr, p. 95.
– Pastor Kate
Pastor Kate is a Certified Organizational Trainer with Inspiring Comfort, equipped to offer workshops in the skills of human comfort and connection. If you are interested in programming for your group, just get in touch with her! Click the links for descriptions of university-specific or general adult programming.
